So as I may have mentioned in my latest day job I work in what’s called a benefit center. Basically, we help employees from certain companies enroll in their health and welfare benefits for the year. You may know this as annual enrollment. As with any occupation that deals with the general public we get our fair share of morons. So in order to get a few less morons asking me moronic questions I’ve created an FAQbM (Frequently Asked Questions by Morons) about annual enrollment.
Q, Can I add my girlfriend to my medical insurance?
A. No. Why? Because you’re a moron. The real reason is that only spouses and children can be added to your coverage. No girlfriends. No boyfriends. No baby mamas/daddies. No aunts. No parents. No 3rd cousins. No lizards and chickens.
Q. But same-sex domestic partners can be covered. How is that fair?
A. You’re right. It’s not fair. Morons like you can just go to Vegas or city hall and get married. Same-sex couples have to go through hell to get coverage. They have to submit a crap ton of legal paperwork showing that they are committed couples and aren’t just in it for the benefits. Plus in my experience most committed same-sex couples stay together longer than most of you straight morons. Even if a gay employee likes to play the field they can’t just add their latest flavor of the week to their benefits whenever they feel like it. And let’s face it. The only reason you give a crap about same-sex domestic partners is that you’re a gay-hating moron.
Q. My co-worker said…
A. Stop right there. Your co-worker is a dumbass. Don’t believe anything they tell you about your benefits. If you do listen to them that makes you an even bigger dumbass. If you want the actual information you can get it from 3 different places. The benefits center (me), the benefits manual, or your HR department. But even your HR department is suspect because technically they’re your co-workers too and that makes them possible dumbasses.
Q. I’m not good with computers.
A. Fuck you. You’re fine with computers. You’re just too damn lazy to enroll in your benefits online with the website that your company paid damn good money for to make it easier for you lazy bastards to enroll in your benefits. You have to be at least 50 before I’ll even begin to think that you’re not good with computers.
Q. I’m an overbearing mother who has no connection with the company but my adult son works for the company. Can I enroll him in his benefits for him?
A. Short answer, yes, Long answer, is your son some kind of moron or just a pussy? If he’s old enough to work a full-time job then he’s old enough to enroll in his own damn benefits. I have no respect for someone who is more than capable of calling in for their benefits but has their mommy do it instead. Get off the tit.
Q. How come I had to wait 45 minutes on hold before I got a representative?
A. Because you’re a moron who waited until the last minute to enroll in your benefits and you called at the exact same time as all the other last-minute morons. Most companies give you anywhere from 2 weeks to a month to enroll in your benefits. Unless you were in a coma for all that time don’t bitch about holding you procrastinating bastard.
Q. Can you explain the differences between all my different benefit options?
A. Yes, I can, but I’m not going to. Not only does your company have an elaborate website that describes all your benefits in great detail but you can also request a hard copy as well. Try doing some research first you moron. I don’t have time to hold your hand all damn day.
Q. I didn’t get (insert name of document here) that everyone else got about their benefits.
A. Yes you did but you’re too much of a freakin’ moron to actually read your mail and you probably threw it out.
Remember kids, no matter what you’re told there are stupid questions.